Life after a miscarriage

  Well, this isn't something that people usually talk about.  But I feel like a lot of women go through it and we almost need a support group.  

Here's my story.

The week of my birthday in January, Kyle and I found out that we were pregnant.  My excitement at the time is indescribable. I laughed, I cried, I freaked out.  We had been trying to get pregnant since August. In December, I found out that I was insulin resistant and the doctor told us that can play a major role in women being unable to conceive.  The next cycle after being on medication, I was pregnant!  

Those first few weeks had me on an emotional roller coaster.  I was terrified that this was too good to be true.  I had wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember.  I played a mom (or a witch) for almost every Halloween (pretty hilarious that I would choose those two).  This was a dream come true.

On February 7th, I started spotting. I had set up an appointment just the day before for the following Monday as I would be 8 weeks.  I called my doctor and he said it was probably nothing to worry about and that with my appointment on Monday they'd do an ultrasound.  I woke up on Friday morning at 4:30 am to bleeding.  I knew instantly that I had lost the baby.  I cried like I have never cried before.  So much heartache. I have never experienced anything like this.  I woke up Kyle, who did his best to comfort me. 

I called my parents, it was by then around 6:00 am their time.  I'm sure getting a call that early in the morning has to be an alarm that something bad has happened.  They mourned with me, and expressed so much love.  The worst phone call I made that day was to my older sister.  She had just had a baby in December.  I started by telling her that we had found out we were pregnant in January, she squealed with delight, but then I ended the sentence with, 'but I just miscarried.'  Her response was immediate and heart retching.


I called the doctor and they told me to just keep my appointment for Monday.  They told me that I'd have contraction like cramps and that if I needed I could come in if they got too painful for medication.  They were not kidding about the pain.  Wow.  I'm hoping now that it has prepared me a bit for actual labor.

In my excitement, I had told several friends and later cursed myself for not being able to keep my mouth shut.  They all responded with sympathy and sorrow.  But none of them had actually gone through what I had experienced.  With some, I felt angry and didn't want to hear their responses.  I kept thinking, "you have no idea what I'm going through. Don't you dare pity me."  With every friend and sister that announced their pregnancy, my heart ached. I am so happy for each one, but filled with so much sorrow that my own sweet baby wasn't on it's way.  And the crazy thing is that in the 3 weeks that I had been aware of being pregnant, I knew it was going to be a little boy, and I had a name that I was sure was his.  But part of me feels like a crazy person.  I only knew I was pregnant for 3 weeks!  That's it.

My heart is slowly healing.  I realize now that my experience was for my good.  I now have so much empathy for all women.  I have experienced the yearning to get pregnant, the roller coaster of waiting, the joy of finding out you are expecting, the exhaustion of being pregnant and then finally the loss of a baby.  How thankful I am for such an experience.

I expected this past Mother's Day to be tough.  But it really wasn't.  It was a day to celebrate being a mom, and to look forward to the day when I'll be a mom myself.  I said something to Kyle about how I wasn't expecting anything from him. He asked why not.  I said that last year he had told me I wasn't a mom, when I whined to him about not making the day special, so this year it was the same.  He looked at me and said, "Shan, you are a mom.  You had a baby."  whew.  the tears come so easily.

My words for everyone that will someday read this.  (I don't know if I'll actually post this, it's 05-27 today, so we'll see how long it takes me to get up the nerve). Be thankful for everyday.  Be patient. I know, so much easier said than done.  But there is beauty all around.  My baby will come to our family when Heavenly Father says it's time.  Since then we have become increasingly more excited about having a baby.  Kyle's excitement has skyrocketed, which makes me so happy.  When we are blessed with a little one, we will be overjoyed.  And we'll let you all know after the first trimester.  :)